Mirror of my Soul
by VAspera
Summary: In hindsight, the nightmares shouldn't have bothered him as they repeated every night. But they did. He laughed bitterly. Morgana had had her way. Her curse tortured him as her dreams and visions had tortured her. His regrets, everything that he could—should have done, tugged at his heart relentlessly. In-canon pairs only.


**I don't own Merlin...(goes and cries in the corner)**

**So the Arthunian legends took place around 1400 ish and I created this with that in mind.**

Merlin awoke with a start. He grasped at his chest trying to slow its frantic beating. His breath came out in gasps and tears streamed down his face. He calmed his breathing and tucked his head between his knees, shoulder length hair tangling in his hands.

He had had the same dream for the last 197 years and it still haunted him. Merlin steeled himself and slowly got up. It was a daily routine that he was used to.

In hindsight, the nightmares shouldn't have bothered him as they repeated every night, but they did. He laughed bitterly. Morgana had had her way. Her curse tortured him as her dreams and visions had tortured her. His regrets, everything that he could—should have done, tugged at his heart relentlessly. They pulled and pulled, splitting his mind, destroying everything he was.

Merlin walked into his bathroom and washed his face. He stared into his eyes, reflected blue in the mirror. The bags under his eyes had gotten bigger and his hair had gotten longer. His beard covered half his face. Merlin cracked a smile thinking about what Arthur might have said about it. But then it disappeared and the air turned cold once more . Arthur couldn't say anything. Neither could Gwen. Or Morgana. Or Gwaine. Or Gaius. Or Freya.

Merlin dry heaved into the sink, clutching the sides. Fits racked his body as unshed tears pricked at his eyes but never fell. They stopped falling a while ago while he was conscious. A chill crept up his spine and a ghost of a hand lightly touched his shoulder.

"Poor Merlin. You failed him. You failed everyone. Still living in a fantasy that he will return," Morgana whispered into his ear, almost touching it with her blood red lips.

"Just. Give. Up." Mordred's voice over to his left. "Join us in hell."

"Just join us my sweet boy. After all, you too, belong in hell." Huniths voice purred.

A nerve pulled taut in his face. "Go away ghosts. You can't hurt me." His voice was low and broken with years of continued disuse and he was tired.

Of everything.

Of waiting.

Of the nightmares.

Of the visions.

Of the perpetual loneliness.

The mirror morphed into Gaius's face who looked back at him with sad and forlorn eyes. "I warned you Merlin. You should have listened when I was alive. Now look what you did."

Gwen was next. Her face streaked with tears. "It's your fault my love is dead. How could you? I thought you cared!"

Merlin clutched his head. It started off as a whisper but got louder as his breathing became more and more labored and frantic.

"No! No! No! I tried. I'm sorry. Please forgive me! Forgive me!"

In a fit of frustration and anguish, Merlin punched the mirror, but the fragments morphed into the knights. Leon, Percival, Gwaine, Elyan, Lancelot. All towering over him, shouting:

"Give Up—!"

"Magic Scum!"

"Just die—"

"Scum!"

The warlock stumbled back into the bathtub trying to shield himself from that which wasn't there. He cried and begged for forgivness as the ghosts of his past swarmed over him. A crescendo of voices rose above the rushing water. Merlin's eyes darted like crazy and his breathing came in shallow small pants, until cool, wet hands wrapped around his midsection.

The lady covered his eyes and whispered soothingly into his ear. "Merlin my dear. Please calm down. They aren't real. Oh my love, please be calm."

Merlin stopped thrashing and stared at where his ghost stood. Then registered that Freya was next to him.

Real. Tangible. Freya.

She had conjured herself from the water that ran from the tap.

Merlin clutched at her as though she was a light in an endless pit of darkness. "F-F-Freya. Oh, Freya..."

She kissed away his tears and he lowered his head to her shoulder. Her scent filled his nose and his world stopped spinning. She smelled of mountains and clear springs. The room was silent except for their breathing and the dripping tap water.

After a few moments, Merlin looked up and into Freya's clear blue eyes. "Freya. I don't think I can do this anymore. I-I've been waiting for hundreds of years. Why? I'm being driven insane by that damnable Morgana's curse. My mistakes...they haunt me. I should have helped Morgana. I should have saved Mordred. Every single time I think I saved someone, someone else died anyway. Why should I even bother? Emrys this. Emrys that. Never a moment of peace." Then his voice became quieter. " I couldn't protect anyone. Not Gaius. Not Gwen. Not my love. Especially not Arthur."

Freya looked him in the eye. "Merlin, what happened to me wasn't your fault." She took his trembling hands. "No one blames you for anything. You did what you thought was right. Our fates were already written out for us and things happened for a reason. For now, all you can do is move on and learn from your mistakes. Destiny is going to give you another chance. Please don't give up or all would have been in vain. I will always be beside you."

Freya seemed to be contemplating something, then she hugged him and whispered in his ear "If you so wish, you can meet them again."

He jerked back, eyes wide. "What!? Freya, I...wha-how?"

Her eyes watered but she wiped the tears away and smiled. " I didn't want to tell you about this but…well, you can meet them in Avalon."

"H-How is this possible?"

She smirked playfully, "I'm the gatekeeper to Avalon, I know and hear things." Then she turned serious. "Look, there was a reason that I didn't mention this before. If you, a living powerful warlock, enters Avalon, we don't know what would happen. The best thing that may happen is that you will lose a few centuries off your lifespan. Time works differntly down there than up here. The worst is that you will get stuck between worlds. Life and Death will spin around you, but you wouldn't be able to reach either. Your body will get ripped apart, put together and ripped again. I didn't want that to happen to you." Her voice grew fainter and fainter as she uttered those last words.

Merlin placed a hand to her face. Water trickled off of them and into the tub. Broken glass littered the floor and sink. He looked into her eyes and placed his forehead on hers. "Freya. I don't deserve you. I know your worried but I would never be able to make amends. Maybe this is what I need to get rid of my curse. I swear to you I will make it back." He cracked a half smile. "Being the all powerful Emrys does have its perks, I guess. It's not all bad…"

He softly kissed her and then broke apart after a few moments. Merlin rose and helped Freya rise as well. Both stood in the tub.

"Alright my love, first we must go to the Lake of Avalon." Freya closed her eyes and then opened them. Golden irises flashed and she chanted. In a flash of light, both figures were knee deep in the Lake of Avalon. Freya took his hand and led his deeper and deeper into the water until they were submerged.

Merlin took a glance at the sky. It was a gloomy gray with thunder in the distance. Birds called to their companions in a dissonance of sounds that rang into the distance. Merlin placed his head in the water and found that his feet touched solid ground. A void stretched on either side of the platform.

The gates of Avalon yawned open before them. A golden light shimmered. It was warm. Welcoming.

It felt like home.

He looked back at Freya and she smiled reassuringly. "Let your feet guide you. You will find them. I will pull you out when it gets too dangerous to stay. I cannot enter, but I will be waiting for you." They shared a warm embrace and then Merlin let go, their arms trailing after each other until he was at the foot of the gate. Merlin paused then closed his eyes and entered Avalon. A jolt ran through his body like dry ice, but it passed and he basked in the warm, welcoming light. He followed Freya's instructions and let his feet guide him.

After only walking a few steps, a voice sounded behind him. "Merlin?"

He turned and saw his mother, Hunith, who tackled him in a tearful embrace. "Oh my darling boy! How are you? Oh my lord! You've grown up! You look just like your father!" She looked just as she did in life but better. Her skin glowed with vitality and her eyes brimmed with the mirth she displayed in her youth.

"Just join us my sweet boy. After all you too, belong in hell."

Merlin jerked back and stumbled a few feet out of her arms. His eyes teared up. "Mother, please forgive me. Please. It's my fault you had died. Oh Mo—" He was interrupted by Hunith embracing him again. She stroked his hair in a way that only mothers can do to calm their children.

"My boy. You did nothing wrong. I was old and we had to let things take their course. I died. It's just the natural way of things. No matter what you've done you have always made me proud. My boy, you are my everything and I love you." She wiped his eyes. "Come on, we don't have long. I can feel it. You're still alive. The others would want to see you." She took his hand and guided him deeper into Avalon. Merlin reflected on how alike she and Freya were.

Both were strong, compassionate, and smart. Both exuded an air of kindness.

Both looked out for his well being and loved him.

The mist grew thicker and thicker the further they went in.

Until it suddenly cleared.

Merlin's eyes widened and his breath hitched. It was Camelot. Well, a polished version of it. The citadel gleamed and the flags a bright red. The towers stood erect and at attention. But the best part about the castle were the people. Citizens milled about from a like he once knew. The world—his world—glittered with life.

Merlin closed his eyes and took a shaky breath trying to stop the flow of tears. Hunith smiled. "Come along, Merlin."

It was as he remembered it. Streets lined with houses with men, women and children running about, vendors yelling about their wares, horses whinning in the stables. Before Merlin stood a few knights. Their red capes fluttered as one began speaking animated with a tankard in hand. A larger figure smiled benevolently down at him. Three others laughed good-naturedly.

"Give Up—!"

"Magic Scum!"

"Just die—"

"Scum!"

"You killed my sister—!"

Merlin felt sick to his stomach but Hunith pulled him along. He felt his heart beating rapidly at the prospect of meeting them.

The figures turned around as he approached.

Percival.

Gwaine.

Leon.

Elyan.

And finally Lancelot.

A minute had passed in silence, when Lancelot said "...Merlin?"

Then suddenly they were on him. "Merlin mate, you look terrible—"

"Good to see you, Merlin!"

Merlin choked on tears and laughter. "Oh my gods...you guys! Oh lords! I'm so sorry! I'm so, so sorry!" He grasped his shirt tightly as the words spilled out of his mouth.

Gwaine clapped his back. "Look, you have nothing to be sorry for. Gwaine told us everything. We're truly indebted to you. I'll buy you a drink as payment!"

"Indeed Merlin. You truly are the bravest and most noble of us all. None of us fault you for our deaths. We died nobly." Lancelot smiled at him.

Merlin couldnt help it. He sobbed like a child and hugged them back. "I've missed you all..."

The knights embraced him and smiled.

Leon released him and as through struck by something said, "Merlin you're still alive!"

Then it dawned on Elyan. "He can't stay here for long! We have to go get everyone else!"

Gwaine pulled him along. "Well come along then! Let's go see the princess, Gaius, and Gwen! Oh, and Balinor decided to visit today. What great timing!"

He nodded to Hunith who smiled and walked alongside them. "I wanted to keep it as a surprise for now," She winked at him.

"M-My father? Wait, how do you...?"

"Mate, did you really think Gaius would stay quiet after what happened to all of us?" Gwaine laughed.

"After he dropped into Avalon, we sorta persuaded him to give up your little secrets. I'll hand it to him, the old man's tough and it took weeks of persuading for him to give up and tell us," Lancelot said.

"Well, point is he told us all about your magic and your adventures. I remember Arthur's face like it was yesterday. I've never seen him so shocked, I tell you. It also helped that your mother was here—and your father."

Elyan frowned. The group was now crossing the courtyard into the threshold of the palace. "Wasn't it yesterday?"

Leon tilted his head. "I don't know…"

Percival gazed into the distance as though trying to remember. "Yesterday? What were we doing yesterday?"

Hunith spoke up. She had been quiet for a while now, content to gaze at her son and commit everything about him to memory. "I don't know if time works the same here as it does out there..." She gestured to the sky now being covered by the ceiling of the palace.

Merlin gazed at the ceiling as well, remembering what Freya had said.

"The best thing that may happen is that you will lose a few centuries off your lifespan. Time works differently down there than up here."

"Ah we're close. Seems like you still remember the way there," Leon said.

Merlin had been so lost in thought that he didn't even realize that he was standing in front of the door to the throne room. He placed a trembling hand on the door. He did not open it.

"Merlin what's wrong? Don't you want to see Arthur?" Percival asked quietly. The others waited behind him.

Merlin tightly clenched his fist on the doors. He remembered Arthur's last words to him.

"I want you to always be you."

Merlin hadn't truly succeeded at that. He had stuck himself in an endless cycle of turmoil, drugs, and self hatred. He hadn't remained true to himself. Instead, he had cowed away in fear. He had allowed his terrors to control him.

He wasn't the same man that Arthur whose arms he had died in. Whose life he had saved on multiple occasions.

No more.

Merlin straightened himself. He was going to face his fears. He was going to be himself. And not the coward he had become. Too afraid of taking a step forward.

He was aware of the knights behind him shuffling to allow someone forward.

"Merlin?"

His eyes widened and slowly he turned around. Sunlight streamed through the window and created a halo around the lead figure. A red cape fluttered and silver chainmail glinted. Behind the figure, the knights and five others stood.

Two women. One with dark hair and mischievous eyes. Another, shorter than the first, with dark ringlets and a gentle air about her.

Three men. One looked to be young, perhaps 16 or 17, also in knights armor with his curls sticking out every which way. The middle one in contrast was older in draping robes and white hair. The other had brown shoulder length hair and a commanding and fatherly presence.

"A-Arthur…" Merlin was interrupted by Arthur who threw his arms around him and hugged him close.

"You stupid, clotpole…" Arthur was laughing and sobbing at the same time.

Merlin sobbed and chuckled clutching him back. "That's...my word…sire." He choked out.

Behind them, a raucous cry went up from the knights. Guienevere placed a hand over her mouth, but her eyes showed that she was delighted.

Arthur let go of him and ruffled his hair. "Merlin, you look terrible…didn't I tell you facial hair didn't suit you?"

Merlin laughed before Gwen threw her arms around him too. "Haha, Merlin…How are you? You're so thin, have you been eating at all? ...And you're not sleeping well are you?" Merlin grabbed her arms from around her and looked into her eyes. Hers were filled with mirth, but they died once she saw his, which were submerged in anguish.

"It's your fault my love is dead. How could you? I thought you cared!"

"Gwen, I'm so sorry…Arthur, I'm sorry…" He looked at his father and Gaius who had stepped forward. "I let you all die… I'm so sorry…Gwen forgive me, I never came back. He died…a-and I didn't know what...t-to do…Gaius...all of you I'm sorry..." He sobbed loudly.

Gaius grabbed his face with warm, rough hands. "Merlin you mustn't blame yourself. Destiny and fate already dictated what would have happened. Now you must live for us."

"He's right Merlin." Everyone looked at the young, curly haired knight. Merlin tensed. "We made alot of mistakes when we were alive. There is no way to express the regret we feel." Mordred looked down.

"All we can do is ask for forgiveness, Merlin." Morgana spoke up. "I'm sorry, my curse is plaguing you. I wish I could stop it, but my magic doesn't work here." Morgana gestured helplessly.

The warlock looked at them. Both of them truly looked tortured by what they had done. He glanced at Arthur.

Arthur nodded. "I forgave them Merlin. Everyone had their reasons. Everyone has wronged the other in some way. They forgave me and I forgave them…can you do the same?" He looked at Merlin's face almost pleadingly.

Merlin glanced at both of them. He took a deep breath. Could he truly forgive them? The woman who had cursed him. The boy who killed his king. But then again...why should they forgive him? All he did was make matters worse. He wasn't there for Morgana. He never told Mordred the truth. Merlin made a decision then and there. He was tired of running from his fears.

Merlin walked forward and bowed. "Morgana, Mordred. Before I forgive you, I need to know if you guys forgive me…It's my fault that the two of you ended up the way you did. I was scared…I should have helped you guys."

"Merlin, please stop bowing." Mordred said. "You did what you thought was right. But that all in the past. We want to move past that."

"We forgive you for everything." Morgana nodded.

Merlin rose and smiled slightly. "Then I forgive you. Thank you." Then he turned around to face his King and Queen. He glanced at everyone around him. All of his friends and allies. Everyone whom had forgiven him. Who believed in him.

Merlin got on one knee and placed a fist to his heart. "I swear my allegiance to the Once and Future King and his Queen. I swear to serve you for all long as I live." Then he looked up and smirked. "I'll be waiting you prat. For the day you return. And when that happens, I'll get you to do my chores for a change."

Arthur nodded sagely. "Yes Merlin, you can try. Don't forget I'm still your king. Whether it be 100 years or 200 years. If anything, you will be doing my chores. Although if you want to start now, you can go clean my armor, muck out my stables, and do my laundry."

"Careful you Turnip-head. I'm the all-powerful sorcerer Emrys, ya know." Merlin waggled his fingers.

"No, you're my idiot servant."

A shock ran through Merlin like how it did when he first entered Avalon. All around him the figures began to slowly drift into smoke. Gaius was the first to disappear. He stretched out a hand that Merlin tried to take but failed. His mother and father were next, disappearing in a puff of rosy smoke. The others around him disappeared all reaching for each other but in vain. Arthur reached for Gwen, but they too, couldn't touch. The knights all struggled but nothing helped. Mordred was left for last. He tried to call out to Merlin, one hand outstretched.

"I will see you again Emrys."

Then he was gone too and Merlin was left alone in the palace. He whirled around crying out their names.

Mordred. Gaius. Mother. Father. Gwen. Morgana.

Arthur.

Merlin was running down the corridor but felt a pull at his naval. It yanked once and then again pulling him away from Camelot. Away from Avalon. He passed through the gate and landed deftly on the bridge. Freya ran to him.

"I'm sorry it was getting too risky to keep you there. I had to pull you out."

"No…no. It's alright." And he meant it too. Sure the longing to see them was still there, but something else had filled the emptiness inside him.

Hope.

Courage.

Determination.

Freya studied him. "You look better. I'm glad."

He swept her into his arms and twirled her around. "I am better, my love! Thank you so very much."

Both of them rose to the surface. As Merlin prepared to leave the lake, he looked at Freya. "They disappeared into smoke. What does that mean?"

Freya tilted her head. "They've reincarnated—"

A horn interrupted her and a large moving monster swerved around them. Merlin's mouth gaped open. "This isn't our time—"

"—It's the future." Freya finished in shock. "But how long has it been?"

"Rather long it seems." Merlin grimaced then was struck with a thought. "That's why they reincarnated. Time is faster down in Avalon. It must have been their time…"

"Merlin...that means that you can find him again," Freya said.

Merlin smiled.

The sky was no longer a stormy gray, but a deep and beautiful blue.

Merlin looked into mirror. Just his blue eyes. Just his thin face. No visions. No ghosts.

It had been more than a month since his trip to Avalon. He had gotten a small, ah what was it...apartment, in a small city. It was basically a large village. He had spent the month learning about this new world he was in. So far he was decent at using computers, rubbish at driving automobiles and excellent at riding a bike.

Slowly he brought the razor to his face and shaved off the remaining stubble from his face. He brought the scissors up to his head and cut his long tresses to the length he had had before. The grey bags under his eyes had disappeared and his clothes were crisp and fresh.

He cleaned up the bathroom and removed anything that he thought was valuable. His razor. Soap. The shampoo and conditioners.

"Merlin, hurry! We need to catch our cab and he will be arriving in about 10 minutes!"

"I'm done Freya." He placed the toiletries in a bag and packed it into a suitcase. One of many.

"Is that all?" He asked her.

She did a sweep around the floor and gave him a nod.

"Alright then. Let's be off."

They dragged their suitcases out and shut the door. Merlin gave the keys to the buildings owner and said his farewells. He met up with Freya outside, giving her a quick peck on the cheek.

He looked up at the blue, blue sky. The birds chirped with each other, greeting each other as old friends.

Happy.

Cheerful.

"Come Freya," Merlin said, smiling as he looked up at the sky. "Let's go to America. Destiny is calling us to serve her once more."

**Bonjour Everyone!**

**So this is my first Merlin fic which was created by the bunnies making nests in my head. TBH I enjoyed writing this but felt like I could do better so let me know if I did something wrong.**

**Or right.**

**Or awful.**

**A big thank you to my friend Jazzy-chan, for helping me edit this! UwU**

**Reviews are my bread and butter so please review if you can!**

**:)**

**Thank you for readingggggggggg,**

**Valora**


End file.
